 hey whats up everyone, you just bounced upon my blog here at blogdrive.com. Look around ... here are my thoughts, my words, my voice, you got a problem with anything I suggest you click on the "x" above and get the fuck out! And to everyone else enjoy. laters
heres something for all you haters out there...
 LOST LONELY BOYS MORE THAN LOVE
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Friday, June 03, 2005
so nothing new has happened in my life... the same shit just a different day. so it goes like this, i'm sick and i wish this cold could just disappear. but that just aint going to happen. i've been sleeping in and going to skool. wishing i could take over the counter medication but can't cause of the baby... i'm really excited and i can't wait.
besides the fact that i am sick, i've come to the conclusion today. that i can't hate anyone forever, i just have a long period of bitching and moaning cause i never thought people could be so cruel and so uncaring about their actions. then i thought to myself, i was once in that situation. but it wasn't that bad. but i learned to let it go and learn from this whole mess. yes i am mad at the person, but there really isn't much that i can do because what's done is done. i must go on and live my life hoping for nothing but the best for my child. i have the support of all that really care about me... and i want to thank all of you for that.
joey:
thank you for being my best friend in the whole world. i know that we had our ups and our downs and we work through them. it's funny... everyone says it.. we are the unstopable duo... and where would i'd be without you. you are the person that gives me the courage to do alot of things. you are the person i can count on to have my back and tell me when i'm just straight out wrong. you pick me up when i'm down and we always find things to keep us occupied.. and have fun doing it.
bernie:
thank you for caring about me. i know we just met this semester.. but mama, i know that without you and joey we wouldn't be the three musketters we'd be the two weirdos in the physc club... but now they think that we are the three weirdos from the physc club.. haha.. but thanks gurl for all the good tymes...
glow bug:
how i miss my glow bug.. where o where are you at. i know i haven't been online, but what can i do. i've been sick and busy with so many things. i wish u were home this summer. but i can wait a little while longer.. hopefully you'll be back by christmas.. that would be a treat.. hehe... if u know what i mean.. hehe...
to that person (you know who you are):
i just wanted to say i'm sorry for all the crap i put you through. didnt really mean most of it.. i was just fustrated and hurt cause i never thought you could do that.. but i just wanted to say thanks for all the moments that we did share together. it was a learning experience that i hope that in my next relationship i dont make the same mistakes... but you have taught me alot and i hope i did the same for you. thanks and i hope that all works out for you and your girlfriend now.
to all the other that i care about:
i hope that all is going good in your lives.. and i wish nothing but the best for all of you. and thank you for all of your support.. take care of yourselves...
so life has so much in store for us.. and i can't wait.. although i am scared.. there is always someone there that will be willing to help. just don't take it for granted. also when you ended up hating someone, you should stop and think about it. it may take awhile.. but when it all comes down to it, it's not worth it.. there is more to life than just hating that one person or a bunch of people. life is there to live and not to stop just to make others feel your pain. the pain you have you learn to live with it and make sure that you dont make the same mistake twice... well, take care.. gonna sleep now...
by the way.. joey call me... i need someone to talk too.. i've tried calling you but i keep going to your voice mail... maybe u ignoring me... what's up with that.. lol!!! take care.. laterz.
Posted at 07:38 am by TynaRay
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Monday, May 09, 2005
so it's 12:29 in the morning and damn, i can't seem to sleep. what the hell, this is ridiculous.
so as you can see there have been so much going on in my life and i had to endure alot of pressure and pain. but at this point in time, it is all worth it.
so school is almost over and i can't wait. i'm getting so sick of school i just want it over already so that i can go and get a job. a good paying job.
so lately, i've got back into contact with all my friends that i have lost contact with. it's so nice to hear from them again. they are so surprised that i'm going to be a mommy, and well, to be honest, i was surprised too. but i believe it is all worth it. as josh would tell me, it's something that be worth my while. i can't wait. just another 6 months to go. thanks to all those out there who wished me a happy's mother's day even though i haven't given birth yet.
well, i'm going to try and sleep now. so i'll try writing more later...
Posted at 12:29 pm by TynaRay
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Friday, May 06, 2005
hello world....
its' been a while since i've been here on this page to update all those people out there what's up with my life. well here i go...
relationship:
***screw that don't have one, don't believe in being with someone who can't appreciate what you do for them, especially when they hit your ass and say, "I just can't hold it in anymore, I don't have a reason as to why I hit you." By the way, this is the father of my baby... and you all know who this is, he goes by the name of he who has no name.
friends:
***i made some new friends this semester, it's crazy and I had the time of my life, they are always there for me. i can't believe it, i never thought i'd have so many new friends.. thanks guys for always been there for me.
family:
***I haven't told the rest of my family yet that I'm pregnant. I have to tell them soon, cause i'm beginning to show a little bit. i hope that they understand. other than that, me and my mom, dad, and two brothers are getting closer than every, we are starting to do some family things. it's so exciting..
school:
*** now this is a different story, it's going pretty good. so let's keep it like that.
love:
*** the love of my family is always there... as far as romantic love, right now I don't believe in such a thing because of all the drama that is going on in my life. but its all good. don't need it.. although i do miss the ocassional dates to the movies and dinner. but there will be other times...
so yeah... that's my life.. i wish i had more to say but i dont because i really don't think that is anyone's business. lol!!
laterz...
Posted at 10:29 am by TynaRay
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Tuesday, February 22, 2005
what do u do when your whole world seems to crash on you and there isn't anything that you can do about it? what do you do when that one person you really care about turns out not to be that person anymore and ends up hurting you more than anything?
i know that they said life is too short. and that you shouldn't let anything hold you back because you need to experience everything in life before departing to the next. and that there are other fishes in the sea. but what if that one fish you want you have arealdy but turns out to be something totally different. but i guess they haven't met me.
so last night was one of those nights where my emotions took a drop on the rollercoaster ride. i cried my eyes out so hard last night. i couldn't help it. i care about this person. but i felt like i wasn't good enough. no matter what i did it never seemed to please the other person. and what hurt was only now after a long period of time they finally understand why i did the things i did. not only that they ended up taking things out of context and turning it around. making me feel as though i did the wrong thing. so i didn't know what to do or say, my emotions got the best of me so after feeling confused, lost, misunderstood, and alone... what more can you do but cry and let out all that pain and anger through the tears that run down your face.
now its the morning and i have to go to work. and i have to make sure that no one can see that deep down inside i'm hurting... wanting someone to help me but don't want their help. wanting to experience everything on my own. experience what life has to offer me through pain, joy, happiness, and all that other stuff...
well, i guess i'll get going and sit and think about all that is going on.. and where it will go.... laterz...
Posted at 04:22 pm by TynaRay
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Thursday, February 17, 2005
so now i'm at that stage again where i just don't feel like i'm need and wanted. i feel so alone... i dont feel special anymore to the people that mean the most to me. i feel like i'm the outcast wanting to fit in so much but can't seem to fit in. i'm the person that's trying to please everyone and give them what they want because i'm not a selfish bitch... i just want everyone to be happy and to live a life without the drama, the pain, and the suffering... but at this point in time i can't seem to please anyone...
i feel so alone to the point where i just want to be alone and have no contact with the world and just disappear... its like i just want to go somewhere, where no one knows me and start a new life. start fresh and have a different identity.
there are some people out there i dont want to do it to. but i end up doing it cause it seems to matter what i do.. no matter how many times i try to prove to them something, there always seems to be a way of hurting them... and i don't want to hurt anyone anymore... i just want everyone to be happy...
i'm so tired.. tired of always having to think of my next move to prove to people that i do care.. and that they mean the world to me. so tired of having to explain things, so tired of showing people that i've changed... it comes to the point where i just dont want to try anymore and i just want to give up on everything.. and just let things go..
i dont want anyone's pity... i dont want anyone to feel sorry for me.. i just want to be alone... i want everyone to be happy and do what they want to do to make them happy...
so this is getting super depressing.. so i'm going to end it here.. .if things change.. i'll update u all.. laterz...
Posted at 05:53 am by TynaRay
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Tuesday, February 08, 2005
so at this moment in time, i've come to the conclusion that i'm lost... not physically lost... i'm just lost to the point where i dont know where things lie anymore... so many things have come face to face with me.. and i dont know how to handle them anymore...i just want to disappear cause i dont feel like hurting anyone, hurting myself, or getting hurt. i dont think i'm mentally ready to do any of those things. plus i dont think my heart can handle it.
so today, i went to lunch with joey, angelica, and her friend vince. we all ate and talked about relationships with friends, family, and the other half. and how we can't seem to please everyone and how we shouldn't please everyone.. my life seems to be at the point where it needs to fit everyone else expectations except for mine. angelica seems to be in the same position except for hers.. she has to deal with more than that just other half, she also has to deal with family.. me its just the other half.. i think that my parents have accepted the fact that i'm not a little girl anymore.. that i'm a grown woman who in her heart will always be their little girl.. (TRUST ME I'LL ALWAYS BE THEIR LITTLE GIRL!!! THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE)...
so i'm feeling as though i dont feel what i need to feel in my relationship with my other half.. i just feel as though i'm not being trusted and what i need to feel... its like i'm lost in a world...in my own world.. i have so many things i'm feeling... that i dont know which is the one i'm supposed to follow.. its like everything is changing... i knew things where going to change... i had no doubt in my mind that they were... its just i dont think some people can handle certain changes... i dont know.. I think I need a
HUG!!!!
so i'm going to end this... cause i think i really need time to think... laterz.. will fill all of u in later on my situation and how i'm going to handle things... laterz
Posted at 03:38 am by TynaRay
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Monday, January 31, 2005
so, i'm sitting in my room thinking about all the things that happen in my life... and i still wonder why shit still isn't going my way, even though i've tired my hardest to work for everything... so i've come to the conclusion that:
maybe things just won't go my way at all. maybe in my life, karma is finally getting the best of me because of all the shit i've done in the past. considering all the crap i went through before i made so many mistakes, i still have to pay the price and explain myself and the after effects of a certain outcome [in my past before coming home] affects the way i am. one person who means the most to me, says that i've changed so much, that he hardly knows me anymore.. but there's nothing that i can do.. i've done all i can to show you how much you mean to me. i even gave up people in my life to prove to you that you are the world to me. but that didn't seem to be enough. i've explained every action that has come our way and yet still there is no trust in the relationship. i spent all the time i had with you even if i was dead ass tired from work and all the other crap that i had to do.. and yet i still have the one thing missing, and that is the trust. "REMEMBER THAT TRUST IS WHAT A RELATIONSHIP FEEDS OFF OF. IT DOESN'T FEED OFF THE LOVE YOU HAVE FOR ONE ANOTHER, CAUSE ANYONE CAN LOVE ANYBODY WHETHER OR NOT THEY TRUST THEM. TRUST IS SOMETHING THAT TWO PEOPLE SHARE BESIDES LOVE THAT BINDS THEM TOGETHER AND MAKES THEM ONE." okay well that is in my view. i mean what's the use of having a relationship if you can't trust a person right... it just makes it seem like everything is a waste of time cause it's like work.. relationships shouldn't be work they should be free flowing and fun. i dont know if i'm making sense.. but this is my conclusion...
i know life is never going to get any easier for anyone.. and if you are one of the lucky few who get the easy life.. congrats.. i wish i had your luck.. but i dont... like one of my good friends in milwaukee would tell me... "why waste your time in complaining about what's going wrong in your life when you can get up and do something about it." he's one person that always had some kick ass quotes... quotes that make you think.. so maybe that's what i'll do.. instead of complaining about everything that is going on, i'm going to live my life the way i want.. it's not that i'm not going to care, its just that i'm going to look at life in a different view. i'm really sorry if i'm changing.. its not that i want to change.. its that i think i need a change in life and the way i up hold myself and think.
so i'm now i'm talking to this certain person... and i dont know if he's listening to anything that i'm saying cause i just hear the keyboard going off. now we are getting into an arguement. this is just ridiculous... i dont know anymore.. so yeah.. things are better now...
so what happens when you put two college kids together who have a digital camera and don't have anythin better to do.. let me show you.....
   
  
pictures of me and my godson jaython:
  
this is all for now.. more to come later...
Posted at 06:20 am by TynaRay
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Wednesday, January 26, 2005
okay so i jacked this idea from my fav. 2nd cuz who we treat like a 1st cuz... GLOW BUG!!!! her entry on her blogdrive inspired me so much... she has that effect on many people... that's what makes her the best. you know i love you girl....
recap of 2004:
Spring:
well, i started my year off like every other year.. i spent it with my dad because why... he's the new year's baby of the family. it was soo good to be home at the time and i didn't want to leave. but i knew i had to. so i stood up tall and strong and left the island again to finish up the school year... i got back to milwaukee, and boy did i have a bad semester... being the sheltered child i was.. i was out in the world on my own making friends both good and bad. i went on to try new things because i was curious to find the outcome of them. and boy are those experinces something that i will never forget. while having so much fun, i never once not thought about home. i wanted to be home so bad because i felt as though i didn't fit in. i had no one out there i can run to who would understand me. yes i had my friends who would listen to me, but they wouldn't be able to grasp the concept of what my heart truly desired and that was to be home. so i waited for the year to end.. and although i'd miss my friends out there... i missed my home more, cause home is where the heart is... so after the year ended, i moved home...
summer:
well, i missed my cousins graduation and graduation party. but it was alright cause we still hung out once in a while. i actually thought the summer was not going to be all that.. but i was wrong. it was truly amazing... i met up with so many people i haven't kept in touch with. and it was a good feeling. i met new people and made new friends. i got to hang out with my cousin glow. we would go out every night when we could. and it was great we caught up on things and saw how things changed over time and how much more we have grown since high school. we haven't been the closest but i can say that this summer was a good thing.. we got closer than ever.. our bond i would say was stronger than before. my bestfriend joey.. well let's just say our frienship is still strong and going on. this summer we hung out just as we had planned. and it was good... i mean there are times when i had to ditch.. but i had a physco boyfriend at the time. that was the stupidest mistake i made in life. but it was a learning experience.. but then i met someone else... and he makes me happy... [you know who you are.....].. then there is nate (punket), we are friends and after all that has been done, we have become closer than ever. and thank you for being there for me when i needed you the most... actually thank you all for making me have the best summer of my life. can't wait for the next summer whether it be here for in the states.
fall:
well, this is where it all started.... i had doubts about my decision to stay.. i had so many problems, but there was always that one person that made me see that things right now are so much better. i actually have people that i can run to when i have problems, out there is no one out there i can run too to help me out. then something happened wasn't too sure.. but then i found out something happened in my family. and it brought us all closer than ever. it was a good thing that we got together.. and a bad thing cause it wasn't good. so yeah... [u all know what I’m talking about if u are apart of my familia]...
Posted at 10:35 am by TynaRay
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Monday, January 17, 2005
okay so it's been one hell of a year... i moved back home, got a job, go to school.. damn i'm becoming a responsible young lady... i don't even ask my parents for money anymore... okay maybe just to pay for school and books but other than that, i don't bother them for anything.. that's a first considering that i'm a spoiled brat... i ain't even going to deny it. lol!
LIFE:
i start school on wednesday January 19, 2004. i can't wait. i actually only have about a year left for college... i can't wait to graduate get a job pay off all my loans and stuff like... start my life and maybe have a family. damn time does fly by fast when you least expect it to.
LOVE LIFE:
well, i've been having my ups and downs in that area. i can't seem to figure out what the hell i want.. things get so screwed up cause most of the time i know i care about him but i hate the way he feels when it does come down to shit... its like you want to work on it.. but when you try so many times you tend to give up... but right now everything is worth trying... what's the use of living life if you ain't going to risk anything... that isn't living life at all... like a friend told me, "You are in a library reading a book. This book isn't appealing to you no matter how hard you try to make it interesting. So what you do is put it back on the bookshelf and get another book. Read the back of the new book to see if it catches your attention and if it doesn't spark anything... put it down and go look for one that catches your eye." i hope that makes sense... hopefully it did... so yeah!
FAMILY:
things in that department seem to be going okay. no arguements, no wars, it's been calm at my house for the time being hopefully it goes like this throughout the whole school year.. cause i don't need any drama while i'm working and going to school.
so other than that it's the same old shyt on a different day... trying to live life to the fullest.. making use of each and every opportunity that comes by... let's just hope that i'm making the decisions in my life not only the ones i'm going to learn from but ones that i'm not going to regret at all...
going to go and try to sleep again.. let's see if i can... laterz
Posted at 12:13 pm by TynaRay
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Friday, January 07, 2005
it's actually this time been a while...
i know what you are all saying right now... and that would be, it's about damn time she updated her shit. sorry guys, it's just been lately, there has just been a lot of drama, work, and other shit that i have to settle first before anything else. so yeah!
well at work, things seem to be going smoothly, and hopefully they continue... i had a pretty bad ass day today. it was all good and all, but once that rush of people came in, is was like what the hell. i pulled about 7 hours today because of the schedules that were messed up. it just goes to show you how much this job means to me right now. trust me, it means alot to me... anyway for me to make money honestly to help pay for all my bills will do. now i know the true meaning of holding your money. so yeah!
at this point, i'm working on the whole school thing. i go in next week, with the rest of the crew at hava java to sign up for class and the orientation... so yeah... things on the other side well, have been having their ups and downs... trying to figure out if everything right now was worth all of it. i mean yeah i have my good days and of course there are the bad days... not only that. but there are just days that i just want to be alone and not want to bother with anyone else.... everything gets tested every now and then, and now its like i dont know... maybe it wasn't right for me to move home... maybe i should have stuck it out in milwaukee until the time was right to move home. i don't regret anything at this point.. but sometimes i feel as though it was best for me to stay out there... i've actually just like joey been thinking of the states alot and how things were out there.. i mean yes i did miss home, but i never thought i'd miss the states... i guess that's my second home because i know somethings there and so many people there.... so yeah.... sucks having that at this point...
well, i'll have to do the rest of this later because i'm going to take a nap... i've been up since like 5 something this morning.. and only got 4 hours of sleep... so yeah... take care.. laterz....
Posted at 11:33 pm by TynaRay
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